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A lot of my old friends have LJs now. Looked around. They can get back to this journal, and the last entry, which I am keeping open, dammit, but, uh. I mean, I do care, and then I don't. One second I hope someone will comment, and then the next second I think, why? Why am I going to bother and do this again? How, after all this time I've spent changing so many things, can I connect with these people? I've changed so much that it's never going to be the same. I could make friends, but it'll never be the same.
I'm going to go to a graduation ceremony tomorrow. I'll wear a silver cap and gown and get my diploma in front of my mother and father, and my mother's mother and stepfather. There are no kids my age who are my friends that I really want there.
A year ago my heart broke because I would not graduate with my friends. There was a certain moment when I was reminded I would not be having a catered party to celebrate. I really felt it, like something opened out in front, and I can't remember what I saw or was looking at for a second.
Six months ago I finished the GED test, and the nice lady who helped me get to take it at Salem High took me out in the hall and explained that there was also a little graduation ceremony, if I wanted to go.
Tomorrow I'm going to go to a graduation ceremony. It's a graduation ceremony for the night school students at Salem High. Night school, that means people who couldn't graduate normally. The smaller and less important. Lesser. Colleges frown on that kind of thing. I was already at a disadvantage in telling her where to stick it because I couldn't hold my SAT scores in her face when they were better than everybody else's. I will wear a silver cap and gown, and get my diploma in front of my mother and father, and my mother's mother and stepfather. My mother's mother is the one my friends know, the one who dotes on me and buys me donuts. I am proud of her, and now she's actually proud of me for something as little as graduating from high school.
I went to another state and took the GED cold and used the address of the nice lady who worked at mom's school to do it and passed and did well. I learned that I am an introvert, that I have my reasons, that I am good enough, that I am not to blame. I decided---discovered, that when you are in trouble and can't reach out to everybody, the people who love you will reach back for you anyway without any expectations for a reward, and the people who are fair will not blame you for it. My standards went way the fuck up and I don't think it should be any surprise that I just can't communicate with people for whom the standards and expectations were lower.
I first felt the loss of a time I treasured five years ago. I still want it back because it's something everybody should have in their lives. It took me this long to accept that I might not be able to have the one I had before back. It took me this long to find hope that I could do it again.
I'm going to go to a graduation ceremony tomorrow. I'll wear a silver cap and gown and get my diploma in front of my mother and father, and my mother's mother and stepfather. There are no kids my age who are my friends that I really want there.
A year ago my heart broke because I would not graduate with my friends. There was a certain moment when I was reminded I would not be having a catered party to celebrate. I really felt it, like something opened out in front, and I can't remember what I saw or was looking at for a second.
Six months ago I finished the GED test, and the nice lady who helped me get to take it at Salem High took me out in the hall and explained that there was also a little graduation ceremony, if I wanted to go.
Tomorrow I'm going to go to a graduation ceremony. It's a graduation ceremony for the night school students at Salem High. Night school, that means people who couldn't graduate normally. The smaller and less important. Lesser. Colleges frown on that kind of thing. I was already at a disadvantage in telling her where to stick it because I couldn't hold my SAT scores in her face when they were better than everybody else's. I will wear a silver cap and gown, and get my diploma in front of my mother and father, and my mother's mother and stepfather. My mother's mother is the one my friends know, the one who dotes on me and buys me donuts. I am proud of her, and now she's actually proud of me for something as little as graduating from high school.
I went to another state and took the GED cold and used the address of the nice lady who worked at mom's school to do it and passed and did well. I learned that I am an introvert, that I have my reasons, that I am good enough, that I am not to blame. I decided---discovered, that when you are in trouble and can't reach out to everybody, the people who love you will reach back for you anyway without any expectations for a reward, and the people who are fair will not blame you for it. My standards went way the fuck up and I don't think it should be any surprise that I just can't communicate with people for whom the standards and expectations were lower.
I first felt the loss of a time I treasured five years ago. I still want it back because it's something everybody should have in their lives. It took me this long to accept that I might not be able to have the one I had before back. It took me this long to find hope that I could do it again.
