cuddlefish | (no subject)

jedera has a (locked) entry up now that made me want to talk, too. I think I've done a terrific job of being discreet and cool enough for everybody about this for a fucking eon, so now it's time for me to kick out the fear that I'm not good enough, and tell you about one of my problems. It doesn't even matter if I name names, because nobody involved reads this LJ, except for Lindsay, and she's not exactly on the accused side.

A couple years ago, I had a fight with one of my good friends, and she got mean very fast. She made a remark that absolutely crushed me---actually, she said I was ugly and stupid, and that nobody actually liked me, they were all just playing along.

When I turned to my best friend of some six years, and my ex-boyfriend, with whom I had parted on friendly terms, they said I had it coming. The joking around they'd been doing around me for months? They said they actually kind of meant it, Ally was just noting the current situation---I was the most annoying, high-maintenance friend they'd ever had.

A year and a half ago, if you talked to me and didn't get much, it's because I felt as if I should be consumed. For about three months, I never, ever stopped thinking about it. Three months. Every morning, I woke up and found another day where I felt like I was living in a dream where it hurt all the time. I wandered because I was lost.

One of the things that really made it bad was that I thought if I went to any of my friends, they would tell me that I was being outrageous and oversensitive. I had *nobody*. Or, I'll never know, because I was too scared to ask. And it was my fault because I was scared. Yes, I did feel as if all the blame fell on me, and I don't think I'm unusual in that way. I really did need someone to reach out for me and not hold it against me. I was already scared I wasn't worth it, to anybody I knew, including my family, and friends who were all the way down in Pennsylvania.

Lindsay, I don't know what your deal is, but I'm ready to hear it anytime you want to tell it.

EDIT: I started sobbing before I even hit the button to post the entry. Like, I suddenly thought, damn, maybe that's worth crying for, and BAM, I was heaving. I think I made my family jump a little...not that that was even my motive...I started crying and I could hear my mom coming and the next thing I knew I had both my parents glommed onto me. Just in case anybody's worried about me not having someone to help me out, I felt like I didn't before, but I certainly do NOW.

This is the first time in a long, long time I wasn't crying from frustration with being afraid of being judged (I think I did six months ago...maybe more). It was purely for the way I was feeling hurt, and it felt very right. ...I actually just wanted to make myself comfortable, and go about my daily life, but also bawl while I was doing it, but my goddamn parents wouldn't stop hugging me. I mean, jesus, how am I supposed to alternate between crying like a baby and drawing RoyEd smut with my mother hanging over me? Never mind that I was more or less attempting to wear her like a blanky. Dad had to go out and mow the lawn before it rains, but for his part, he looked the way he does when he's just utterly squishy-daddy-love. He couldn't shut up, and he's usually the one who proposes that everyone shut up and let me cry.

You know how crying kind of resembles laughing? It's all sort of funny breathing. I think one of the reasons yoga is so calming is that there's a focus on control, or extra attention, to the way air goes in and out of the body, and that also happens to be a huge, huge part of the way we express ourselves. It's not for applying force when you're actualy crying, but for when you're calm. When I take a deep breath, I can see all the the little, fundamental ducks sticking themselves in a row, and it gives me a lot of comfort. So, I'm not telling you this for my health or something, I'm telling you because I just felt like BREATHING differently for a little while. Yes, I'm still going on about how perfectly natural it felt to cry.