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This puts a whole new light to your supposed nice-ness.
I wanted to think you were better than that, Ally. That you had some SYMPATHY in you. But you proved me wrong. After 4th period was over, I left school. I have completely reconsidered any idea I had about you being a friend. You are obviously confused enough to think that YOU are the victim in this situation. GET REAL.
Sorry for saying anything. Sorry I didn't want to let you make me feel like shit anymore. Sorry I didn't want to let you try to make me into the perfect student anymore. Sorry I can't live up to your perfect ideals. And I'm *really* sorry I ever apologized...because it was wasted on you. Last time I checked...friends are better than that. Friends care about each other. And since you say yourself you want to care about me...that you all want to "care" about me...then how is that friendship?!
By the way, this bit about me being like Mike is literally the bitchiest, brattiest thing I've ever heard in my life. I know I get mad and get mean, but there are things you say and things you don't say. This is one of those things you DON'T say. Don't even think you're telling the truth. You're like Jekyll and Hyde---one minute you're a sweetheart, and then one thing doesn't go your way, and you have a fit. I'll talk shit about you whenever the fuck I want, you little cunt. I am definitely not the princess here. I am definitely not the person who needs to get over herself.
Ally,
I still dream about going back to school, at my current age. I had gone back to high school when I was a year older than everyone else, and in my dreams being even older seems perfectly reasonable. I think now that going to school would be very bad for me, but I have these dreams because I still wish that it wasn't. I am always learning how much weight the idea of school has for me.
In my senior year, I was very deeply depressed. I had taken a year off, and it was good for me, but my friends, especially you, said that they wished I was still going to school. I went to public school because I thought I could, and I should, and you asked. You did not realize that my return to school alone would not be enough to fix me. When you asked, eventually I had to explain to you that I was seeing a therapist, and that I was also taking a lot of sick days, because I was sick. I did not hope to hurt you by telling this, though I can admit to hoping that I was right, and that I wasn't just lazy and stupid.
Finishing high school and moving on to college was extremely important to me. Years later, I realized that I did not expect to live beyond 30, or rather my idea of life after that age was utter darkness, because 30 is an age when one can expect to be completely done with school. I could not imagine life without school. I'll never know what I wrote in that letter or how I explained it to you, but I thought that maybe I could trust you to understand---I didn't want someone to say that whatever future I imagined was a joke, and that I was a lunatic for trying.
You wrote what you wrote probably fairly quickly, hoping to shut me down, and come out on top, and hoping to be forgiven for being the passionate, fickle fire if you made me better. You compared me to a boy with Asperger's syndrome.
You didn't know I would think about that every day, to this every day.
Every day, in the back of my mind, wondering if everyone I knew actually thought I was really, really annoying. It wasn't just a few seconds every time, either. Entire hours fell to my fears. When I wanted to share interesting things with people I knew, a behavior that is actually found in basically all average humans, I stopped myself. What if I bothered them? What if they thought I was stupid? What if I spoke? What if I said I worried about the way my voice sounded, about the way I moved? What if I was weak enough to tell someone? What if someone I liked had actually been a really horrible person? What if any feeling I had escaped, and harmed someone? What if my very existence was an extravagance and a problem for all?
For approximately three, maybe four years after the date in the title of this entry, I switched off. I reeled. I didn't tell anyone about my fears until last year. I wonder what would have happened to me if you hadn't said what you said? Would I have graduated? Would I have gone to college? Would I have stayed with my friends, and worked out my problems with them, for years to come?
If you think you picked the wrong friend and the wrong opponent, you were right---I was far too weak to withstand a violent, mindless creature like you. You blew me right the fuck over. If you said sorry now (and you wouldn't, unless you were trying to prove me wrong), I would not accept that apology.
If you ever see and respond to what I write now, I only want one kind of response. I want you to tell me that I have given you a crippling fear that you are an awful person, and then to go away and live (you have to live) in a hole where nobody loves you. You will probably realize that anything else will upset another human being who has already had to suffer far, far too much of your bullshit. Or maybe your brother will make another misspelled suggestion that I stop holding grudges.
It is my fondest hope that your life has become a dead end. More likely you have a boring job and an apartment you don't really like. If you're lucky you have a boyfriend, one who doesn't care about scars. I don't have any of these things, but I do have a loving family, friends who really care for me. I love my life now, and I am very secure in my hope for the future.
うぅーあー。 久しぶりに戻ったら私怨の嘔吐。 でも気持ちいい、はじめて気持ちのいい事が言えた。 この後も気持ちよかったりする予感。 なんだか前にもこんな事書いた気が…? 定期的に書かないと気がすまない? 上のはね、あの時言われた事を、色々言葉を変えて言い返そうと思った物だけど、結局「迷惑」だと思ってやめた。 下のは今思った事。 いかにものう。
アリィにいじめられていたわけではなかった、のね。学校側や先生からは確実にいじめを受けていたけれど、友達からは永遠に人の事をおもうとしない言葉を受けただけ。
I wanted to think you were better than that, Ally. That you had some SYMPATHY in you. But you proved me wrong. After 4th period was over, I left school. I have completely reconsidered any idea I had about you being a friend. You are obviously confused enough to think that YOU are the victim in this situation. GET REAL.
Sorry for saying anything. Sorry I didn't want to let you make me feel like shit anymore. Sorry I didn't want to let you try to make me into the perfect student anymore. Sorry I can't live up to your perfect ideals. And I'm *really* sorry I ever apologized...because it was wasted on you. Last time I checked...friends are better than that. Friends care about each other. And since you say yourself you want to care about me...that you all want to "care" about me...then how is that friendship?!
By the way, this bit about me being like Mike is literally the bitchiest, brattiest thing I've ever heard in my life. I know I get mad and get mean, but there are things you say and things you don't say. This is one of those things you DON'T say. Don't even think you're telling the truth. You're like Jekyll and Hyde---one minute you're a sweetheart, and then one thing doesn't go your way, and you have a fit. I'll talk shit about you whenever the fuck I want, you little cunt. I am definitely not the princess here. I am definitely not the person who needs to get over herself.
Ally,
I still dream about going back to school, at my current age. I had gone back to high school when I was a year older than everyone else, and in my dreams being even older seems perfectly reasonable. I think now that going to school would be very bad for me, but I have these dreams because I still wish that it wasn't. I am always learning how much weight the idea of school has for me.
In my senior year, I was very deeply depressed. I had taken a year off, and it was good for me, but my friends, especially you, said that they wished I was still going to school. I went to public school because I thought I could, and I should, and you asked. You did not realize that my return to school alone would not be enough to fix me. When you asked, eventually I had to explain to you that I was seeing a therapist, and that I was also taking a lot of sick days, because I was sick. I did not hope to hurt you by telling this, though I can admit to hoping that I was right, and that I wasn't just lazy and stupid.
Finishing high school and moving on to college was extremely important to me. Years later, I realized that I did not expect to live beyond 30, or rather my idea of life after that age was utter darkness, because 30 is an age when one can expect to be completely done with school. I could not imagine life without school. I'll never know what I wrote in that letter or how I explained it to you, but I thought that maybe I could trust you to understand---I didn't want someone to say that whatever future I imagined was a joke, and that I was a lunatic for trying.
You wrote what you wrote probably fairly quickly, hoping to shut me down, and come out on top, and hoping to be forgiven for being the passionate, fickle fire if you made me better. You compared me to a boy with Asperger's syndrome.
You didn't know I would think about that every day, to this every day.
Every day, in the back of my mind, wondering if everyone I knew actually thought I was really, really annoying. It wasn't just a few seconds every time, either. Entire hours fell to my fears. When I wanted to share interesting things with people I knew, a behavior that is actually found in basically all average humans, I stopped myself. What if I bothered them? What if they thought I was stupid? What if I spoke? What if I said I worried about the way my voice sounded, about the way I moved? What if I was weak enough to tell someone? What if someone I liked had actually been a really horrible person? What if any feeling I had escaped, and harmed someone? What if my very existence was an extravagance and a problem for all?
For approximately three, maybe four years after the date in the title of this entry, I switched off. I reeled. I didn't tell anyone about my fears until last year. I wonder what would have happened to me if you hadn't said what you said? Would I have graduated? Would I have gone to college? Would I have stayed with my friends, and worked out my problems with them, for years to come?
If you think you picked the wrong friend and the wrong opponent, you were right---I was far too weak to withstand a violent, mindless creature like you. You blew me right the fuck over. If you said sorry now (and you wouldn't, unless you were trying to prove me wrong), I would not accept that apology.
If you ever see and respond to what I write now, I only want one kind of response. I want you to tell me that I have given you a crippling fear that you are an awful person, and then to go away and live (you have to live) in a hole where nobody loves you. You will probably realize that anything else will upset another human being who has already had to suffer far, far too much of your bullshit. Or maybe your brother will make another misspelled suggestion that I stop holding grudges.
It is my fondest hope that your life has become a dead end. More likely you have a boring job and an apartment you don't really like. If you're lucky you have a boyfriend, one who doesn't care about scars. I don't have any of these things, but I do have a loving family, friends who really care for me. I love my life now, and I am very secure in my hope for the future.
うぅーあー。 久しぶりに戻ったら私怨の嘔吐。 でも気持ちいい、はじめて気持ちのいい事が言えた。 この後も気持ちよかったりする予感。 なんだか前にもこんな事書いた気が…? 定期的に書かないと気がすまない? 上のはね、あの時言われた事を、色々言葉を変えて言い返そうと思った物だけど、結局「迷惑」だと思ってやめた。 下のは今思った事。 いかにものう。
アリィにいじめられていたわけではなかった、のね。学校側や先生からは確実にいじめを受けていたけれど、友達からは永遠に人の事をおもうとしない言葉を受けただけ。
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From:
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Sometimes They're in the dream too. You'd think by now I'd be over it.
Thanks for putting into words some of the things I still can't.