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Mm...not such a good day.
Last time I wrote I was due for a conference with my teacher. She said I could do my essay on something I liked better, and she was nice about it. That was great. We rescheduled our conference for noon today, when I was supposed to have done my work. But she never called. :< I think it was her lunch break. Maybe I was supposed to call her? So I'm worried about that, and I'm stressing over writing her an e-mail asking what's going on because I don't like writing e-mails to strangers.
My fambly obligingly ordered Indian food for a late birthday dinner. That was nice.
I played some RO on a low-rate server. Horror stories: I've already had some Magician get all huffy because I showed up an hour and a half after he asked me to party and I told him I was going to sign off (which I did, at my own expense). I buffed him before I left. What the fuck is his problem? Maybe I just went to eat or take a shower or do schoolwork. (I didn't, but saying "u lied" the second he sees me isn't going to cure that.)
RO is the online game I've played the most, and both genders are stupider. The guys are maybe this way just because there are so few who'll hit on an L2 dwarf with those dark elves standing around, whereas in RO everyone is the same gender and more or less the same cup size (3-4 pixels?). But in RO there is also a significant population of stupid girls who don't really care about playing the game---oh, and G.I.R.L.s, too. Friends I trust have made all the difference on that server. (I don't want to guilt trip, but I don't know if there's a point in saying that after complaining so bitterly about that guy.) Maybe another male character would help later.
It's weird, but I almost feel better about the Japanese fans making up a rumor about a school swimsuit somewhere in the game/アコたんの聖水/any number of fetish jokes.
Overall not a great day. I had this big mood swing at one point and I just sat there bawling for no reason I can locate.
A recent recurring thought is: I don't want to be loved, by anyone. I don't want to please people with charming defenselessness or flowing hair or a pleasant laugh. I can't stand to look at my mother. The idea of having inside my vagina a pen0r that is connected to a person frightens me. I should be eager to do all of these things, right ...maybe not, but it's kind of unusual for me.
Last time I wrote I was due for a conference with my teacher. She said I could do my essay on something I liked better, and she was nice about it. That was great. We rescheduled our conference for noon today, when I was supposed to have done my work. But she never called. :< I think it was her lunch break. Maybe I was supposed to call her? So I'm worried about that, and I'm stressing over writing her an e-mail asking what's going on because I don't like writing e-mails to strangers.
My fambly obligingly ordered Indian food for a late birthday dinner. That was nice.
I played some RO on a low-rate server. Horror stories: I've already had some Magician get all huffy because I showed up an hour and a half after he asked me to party and I told him I was going to sign off (which I did, at my own expense). I buffed him before I left. What the fuck is his problem? Maybe I just went to eat or take a shower or do schoolwork. (I didn't, but saying "u lied" the second he sees me isn't going to cure that.)
RO is the online game I've played the most, and both genders are stupider. The guys are maybe this way just because there are so few who'll hit on an L2 dwarf with those dark elves standing around, whereas in RO everyone is the same gender and more or less the same cup size (3-4 pixels?). But in RO there is also a significant population of stupid girls who don't really care about playing the game---oh, and G.I.R.L.s, too. Friends I trust have made all the difference on that server. (I don't want to guilt trip, but I don't know if there's a point in saying that after complaining so bitterly about that guy.) Maybe another male character would help later.
It's weird, but I almost feel better about the Japanese fans making up a rumor about a school swimsuit somewhere in the game/アコたんの聖水/any number of fetish jokes.
Overall not a great day. I had this big mood swing at one point and I just sat there bawling for no reason I can locate.
A recent recurring thought is: I don't want to be loved, by anyone. I don't want to please people with charming defenselessness or flowing hair or a pleasant laugh. I can't stand to look at my mother. The idea of having inside my vagina a pen0r that is connected to a person frightens me. I should be eager to do all of these things, right ...maybe not, but it's kind of unusual for me.
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From:
no subject
Couldn't that be really positive? One less need in life. That leaves you the freedom to do in life.. whatever you want, without having to involve another person.
Congratulations, you're free :)
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no subject
On MMORPGs: See, that's why I just ignore everyone else in the game, apart from known friends. It's just not worth dealing with "party wif me?" and "buff plz" and "a/s/l?". Maybe that makes me an anti-social gamer, but I prefer to slaughter my monsters in peace, kthx.
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no subject
..The mechanics of biology rank at about the same level as actually thinking about where your food comes from. And I guess that being charming or beautiful to please others is shallow and insulting if that's all people judge you for.
And I do understand getting angry at the indignity of it all. I NEVER cry except for when I have my period coming up, and it is so aggravating to have gotten yourself into a deep existential funk and then realize it was caused by a chemical imbalance or whatever.
But wouldn't you want to be loved? Not necessarily romantically, but family, friends, etc. Making connections with other humans lets us know we're alive.
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Re: MMORPGs: It gets a lot harder when you play a helpless INT-DEX>VIT Acolyte in low rates. They're meant to join parties and heal and buff whoever takes pity on them. Or how about pure forger/brewer Blacksmiths/Alchemists, whose stats are almost 80% unhelpful in fights? ...I picked a different class for just this reason ^^;
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no subject
Yes, indignity. My mom has a little problem with asking me if I've taken my meds after I bawl my eyes out over something. Maybe I'll talk to her about that. (90% of the time the answer is yes, I took them. [expletive!!!!!!!!!])
Being physically attractive or charming scares me because it's a risk with little to no reward for me. I really don't want to be approachable or appealing, because I am, like every other human being, difficult and intimidating. I think what I want is to be loved for existing, and not existing with some adorable trait I don't care about so some jerkoff wants me to be his little pet. I've talked about my parents loving me, and the consensus is that they are thrilled that I exist, and they'll love me forever even when I don't? I like that, that feels great. Family love is different from boyfriend love, but it's all intimacy and I think ideally my imaginary boyfriend and I would feel like that for each other.
Coming back to MMORPGs...I'm pretty sure I've discussed this before, but there are problems with guys professing true love to a set of pixels. True love is good, lust is okay, but I get guys who say that I am required to honor true love even when I don't feel it back. (Or guys who just try to guilt me into partying them like the one in my comment.) Ragnarok sprites are shallow as 2D. I like what I see sometimes, but it's not right to expect anything deeper than the tiny width my monitor uses to show them.
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The thought of people I don't know touching me, even casually, scares the ever-loving crap out of me. Seriously gives me the heebie-jeebies. Heck, even contact with family members makes me squirm. So I've never even considered becoming someone's girlfriend, despite...attempts. Boys are cute and I've got hormones like any other girl, but I'm happy being single, kthx.
...Woo, too much information!
Sometimes in MMORPGs I pretend I don't speak English. That deters most would-be pixelated stalkers.
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no subject
Hmm... I guess I can understand since I'm personally very shy myself. And you don't have to make yourself attractive if you don't feel it's right for you. Just, don't concentrate too much on the jerkoffs...?
(I've never had a boyfriend myself, I should shut up.)
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no subject
I wouldn't really go about making myself attractive, but I might try to make myself unattractive. I'm kind of wondering why it's so important that I have smooth skin and pretty gestures and smell like flowers. I feel as if I'm running a charity of prettiness here. I need a boyfriend now.
...I say this stuff because I AM looking, I do want a boyfriend, I haven't given up hope, boys are not all yucky. BUT SO MANY ARE.
From:
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I'll remember not to tackleglomp you ^^;;;;;;;;;; It does bother me when people I don't know touch me. I guess I'm not at a point where I can imagine being comfortable with boys touching me.
Ooh, not speaking English. And if my stalker is Portuguese, I could always switch to Japanese.
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no subject
I still don't usually go all-out, and I'm still way behind on all the feminine arts everyone else my age mastered when they were 12, but I feel like I'm better at it than I was last year, so that makes me glad.
...Sorry for writing a blog entry in your comments OTL And I do understand about yucky guys; for years the only guys who evinced interest in me were scary people who stared at me on the bus. (Not that I get much if any attention now either.) That was traumatic.
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I miss being able to edit comments
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Re: I miss being able to edit comments
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no subject
I'm not really sure about catching a man, either. I guess showing cleavage and smiling a lot would be a start. Again with the not wanting to be attractive thing, though. I don't want to show my cleavage on purpose!!! Eeeeeeeeee D: I think it's neat that you're natural instead of ex-jailbait, and surely "natural" is more interesting than "leathery ho-bag" for a guy who wants to be your friend and live wiht you and be nice to you.
In shoujo manga, there's a lot of discussion of how girls can create an attractive confidence by dressing up and wearing makeup (see also: Ageha 100%), and...I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Why, why, WHY aren't women entitled to acceptance, adoration and sex? Why do we have to be attractive just to exist? WHY ARE WOMEN TELLING WOMEN THIS? Oh my god, get out of my comic books *flails arms* :(
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I am not sure that this comment makes sense but I've stared at it for too long so there
It feels kind of weird to be having this conversation because I actually agree with you on a lot of points :/ I mean, going to a clothes store and having a clerk say hello to me gets me out of that store with 80% effectiveness. I would much rather spend my evenings peacefully playing Dragon Quest than going to social events where I don't know anyone and am nonetheless convinced they all hate me and think I look stupid. You know.
..I think I'm losing track of my point.
I don't think anyone should HAVE to dress like someone they don't want to be. That said, sometimes to participate in society you have to follow an unwritten dress code, like how people sometimes have to wear long-sleeved shirts to hide their tattooed arms to get a job at a company.
And there is a difference between dressing nicely and looking like a skank..
n this manga Beauty Pop, the main character has legendary hair-cutting skills (don't you love shoujo? I love shoujo) and makes a shy friend of hers look really good with a haircut, but then her friend goes back to wearing it normally and that's also okay. I liked that, how they acknowledged the attraction of dressing up but accepted that not everyone wants that.
(Incidentally Beauty Pop is a fun series because the male lead is a complete twit - he's a star hairdresser? in elementary? how does he not get beaten up by all the other guys? and you get to see the heroine flatly dismiss his posturing.)
PS: Paid accounts can edit comments; I can't do it anymore because the account Angie bought for me expired. XD;
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Omigod staring at comments for hours on end this is an obsession with me
Ageha features a rather plain girl who changes into the stunning Ageha, who...is like a makeover kaitou. She makes sure girls at her school get the cards for requesting her assistance, and then she answers them after school. But she can't get caught because her school is all frowny old people makeup bad! She has a flirty guy sidekick who often crossdresses in order to accompany her on her missions.
Yeah, shoujo manga, right ._.
I didn't really read enough of Ageha to see if anyone went back to looking normal after their makeover. I did see a lot of stuff about, like, Swallowtail the bad makeover kaitou who did fashionable makeup that didn't match the wearer, and how that was BAD BAD BAD. I was already biased against the author, anyway. (The story she wrote after this was just awful, too.)
...mostly my criteria for skanky is being too tanned. Being any kind of dark naturally is good, being kind of tanned from the sun is fine, being obviously tanned in a tanning coffin is :(((( nuuuu.
"Social events" invite a lot of people, but I don't think they're really suitable for everybody, or even for most. It really is okay to just have a few really good friends with whom you have super conversations. IMHO these conversations can be held about video games, or while playing video games, which means Dragon Quest is good.
Perhaps it would please you to know that clerks in clothing stores are widely known to be annoying desperate people who lie about how people look in outfits. I take my mom when I shop for clothes and let her handle the employees who fling themselves at us. (She's my tank for leveling up lololololol) Also, I did go to this one neato used clothes store in Harvard Square where the clothes were actually pretty good and the clerks stayed out of my way. Maybe there are stores with nice clothes and no clerks that have to fill a quota?
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About the comments - well yes, but our Russian overlords have to make money somehow, and this is better than them selling our personal information a la Facebook. XD;
I love kaitou stories personally - I bought Kaitou Rousseau for DS just because you play as a thief, and I'm still rather curious about Kaitou Apricot. ^^; Makeover stories or one where the heroine wants to be an idol don't grab me as much, mostly because they aren't topics that aren't so interesting even in RL.
Yeah... thanks for that comment actually, because I was thinking of going to a social event, and now I've decided that I rather go to the gamers club again because it's SO much more relaxing than trying to make nice to people I don't really know anyway.
Actually a lot of the clothes for girls in FF games annoy me. For example, I like Rydia, but in each new iteration of her design she loses another yard of clothing. And it's not like she was dressed like a nun to start with. I mean look: http://www.square-enix.co.jp/mobile/ff/ff4after/characters/index.html
Some stores are nicer, yes. I'm getting my sister to go with me next time I go clothes shopping, because she has pretty good judgment when it comes to these things.